L&D

Like a baby tooth, that you know is going to hurt like heck when they pull it out, but you know you gotta get it out. 

... That's how I felt about labor and delivery. So in one sense, I was ready for whatever pain would come. It was necessary, it was expected. But even so, I was mistakenly led to believe by the mirage of social media that, as long as I wanted a certain "birth story" as they call it, I would get it. That an all natural, unmedicated birth was best and ideal, and that all was achievable so long as I wanted it to, and advocated for myself to get it.

It didn't happen.

I woke Isaac and my mom to go the hospital at 4 am because of a pretty bloody show, and learned I was 5 cm dilated, even though I hadn't really felt any contractions. Was subsequently admitted but then had inconsistent contractions and no progression for the next 9 hours. Every time I took a nap it seemed like my contractions stopped altogether. 

Intervention 1: At 1 pm they broke my water and then after still seeing no changes, 

Intervention 2: at 3:30 they started pitocin. 

For the next four hours I experienced increasingly painful contractions that grew closer and closer together. I tried maintaining my breathing and pressed against the bed railing or supply carts to counter. Isaac was also pressing against my lower back to help relieve some of the pain. At the end, I was experiencing contractions every minute and my whole body was exhausted trying to to manage the pain and breathing. I was falling asleep between contractions out of complete exhaustion and feared I'd be unable to have the energy to push. At 7:30 that night I asked, "How much longer?" and they said, "Could be another couple hours". So I asked for the epidural at 7:40pm.

I gave birth at 8:35 pm with Intervention 3: an episiotomy, and had a third degree tear. I did not get the epidural.

What followed was an excruciating stitching (x3) and then a painful recovery.

There are so many things that in retrospect we should have asked the OB before going into delivery. 

What interventions might happen and under what circumstances?

What interventions for baby might happen and under what circumstances?

What delivery positions would she be willing to assist me in? 

What was the expectation of time for labor/contractions? What if it takes too long?

For all the questions we asked throughout the pregnancy, I forgot to ask about the ones that affected me the most. While everything for baby was ready and prepared, I guess I had not truly prepared myself for what to expect in delivery, besides just, "pain". In all my reruns and versions of that day, it's likely I still would have delivered by my doctor's orders, even though my body could have waited at least another day to fully dilate and contract on its own. But I genuinely thought I had a few more days before it would all happen. I guess that's life, always thinking you have a little more time.

Would asking more questions and being more stubborn about not getting interventions have resulted in a different outcome? Maybe, maybe not. But I guess it doesn't help to beat myself up for 'not advocating enough' for myself. Ultimately I think I'd opt for the midwife route next time around, still undecided whether I'd suffer through without an epidural or not.

Other things of note: I cannot remember the actual contraction pain. I can tell you that it hurt in my back, but not what it felt like. And the pain just before pushing - I remember making such deep grunting sounds of agony, but that's it. Truly astonishing how the body forgets like that. 

I guess I'll come back to this and a few years time and refresh myself before deciding to endure it all again. 

07.10.2025