heart to heart.

[shared with small group]

"I'm not very good expressing thoughts through verbal communication. I read somewhere that this is common with introverts, which is hilarious, but either way, I wrote this out before I am sharing it now, so apologies if it sounds a bit rehearsed.

"How is your soul?" I've shared this with a few people, but there used to be a counselor who would ask us in youth - "How is your soul today?" Which I really liked. It was not necessarily a matter of feeling, or what happened that day, but a deep gut check of how you were. And in terms of your walk with God - it's not what you've been doing in your quiet times or whether you did your quiet times or prayed or read your bible, but a true question of how your relationship is with Jesus Christ. And so I've been asking myself this recently - How is your soul? I would encourage you all to ask yourselves this as well.

The first few months of the year, for some reason, always feel like a daze to me. They go by super-fast, and they feel super blurry. Imagine you're sitting in this subway station, on one of those benches in the middle, and there's a train that begins to move. It starts out slowly, but then quickly picks up speed. It starts going and going and you can hear the thump, thumping as it goes over the tracks, and then all of a sudden it's gone. And you can feel the silence, and almost like this emptiness. But you're still sitting there. And several trains go by in the same way.

Slowly, and then quickly, and then gone. Slowly, quickly, gone.

And I feel like I've been waiting on this bench for awhile, unsure of where my destination is, and where I intend to go.

I've been struggling with this. Where am I going?

At many points in the last year, my life was consumed by work. And now, when I've really begun to realize that my life is not my work, I'm needing to figure out my goals and my direction. And I still don't know what exactly my "goals" are. But I know, ultimately we're called to glorify the name of God, and to do so by 1) loving one another and 2) making his name known in all nations.

So, I need to start thinking about every piece of my life as a building block to that. Like in Splendor, or in any game really, I'm putting together elements and pieces to win the prize. In this case, it's the praise and glory of God. And that includes work, my relationship with coworkers, my relationship with Isaac, me being involved with the youth, me doing quiet times, and me spending my free time wisely. There's a purpose to all of it.

I truly believe that when God grants me clarity, it's Him speaking to me. Since I'm so indecisive, and so uncertain, and so anxious about anything and everything, it is incredible when I find clarity. So I was convicted yesterday about teaching Sunday School. It's something that I've put off for a really long time as I've tried to "figure myself out". But God has given me a clear opportunity in which to serve, and I have selfishly been avoiding it.

I was convicted particularly to teach Middle School Sunday school. If I am teaching high school Sunday school I think I will be in part relying on my own strength, but I really want to see myself rely fully on God.

My soul has been uncertain, for the most part. In this daze, this funk, on this subway bench. But here's to putting together the building blocks, the gems. I don't know my destination, but I know the goal - the glory of His name. I'm resting my soul in Him, and learning to align all of these pieces of my life on this track towards Him.

That is all. "

04/10/19