Emotional Bandwidth

 I've tried to find another phrase than "emotional bandwidth" to describe what it is I'm missing, but I can't so, we'll stick to this. 

It's a novel feeling, but I have no emotional bandwidth to feel anything else than the repeating cycle of grief: sadness, anger, denial, bargaining, whatever other shit that comes with it. I can't feel happy for other people, neither can I feel sad for other people. I can feel laughter - but it doesn't associate with a feeling of joy or ebullience. And all I can think about when scrolling through social media is how purposeless it all is.

I was doing better I think, for a little bit. It's been 3 weeks now. 

But yesterday I had the sudden urge to hear my dad's laugh again or to hear him talk and I was overwhelmed with sadness that I could not. And I feel like I'm right back where I was 3 weeks ago. Trying to understand how this happened.

11.18.2021