sophomore day #266

My final, glimmering, sparkle of hope of an internship disappeared into the darkness today. Vanished, would be the correct word.

All the countless hours spent tailoring my resume, googling advertising agencies, researching agency cultures, and writing 10 custom cover letters for agencies from Dallas to Fort-Worth to Houston to Austin. For the past 3 grueling months all I could think about was applications, e-mails, and phone calls. And all I got was two interviews and a bunch of "please apply again next year"s.
At least I "had the experience" right?

I can't say I'm totally surprised. God does this cruel, but loving thing where he somehow lets me know that I will or won't get what I want in advance and then I have time to prepare my heart beforehand.
I had a little more hope this time than last, but oh well.

I tell myself, and God, that I wanted an internship this summer because I wanted to learn. Because I wanted more experience. Because I wanted to show more people the light and love I held inside of me because of Him. I wanted to serve people with my talent. I wanted to do something with what He blessed me with.
Maybe my inherent motivations were wrong. That's for God to decide I guess.
But personally, I don't know why I didn't get an internship this summer. Kidding, it's my lack of experience, course work, and charming personality on Skype or phone interviews.

I expected myself to cry.
I expected my heart to sink into my chest, my pride to crash to the floor, my misery well up to my eyes. 

And to be honest, I'm disheartened.
But I have peace. It's going to be okay.
I asked God, what would happen if I didn't get an internship?
I would trust God. I would trust His plan was greater than my own. I would go out and tell people I was still blessed, still grateful, still so happy...that I had Christ as my guiding light, and my life was still in His hands.
How much does it matter that I didn't get an internship? How much do I trust God over myself?
Do you trust God Stephanie?
I should.
I will.
I do.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

the end.
04.30.2015

Funny enough, I wrote this on 04/23.