Brace for impact.

sophomore day #234

On Thursday, March 26 I broke down.
Emotional roller coasters are hard to deal with when you're running on minimal sleep, long days, and a slippery workload. Or maybe, it's the other way around.

Either way, last week was incredibly brutal.
It's taken me awhile to write this post because the results of the week are still so uncertain. I had two interviews last Tuesday. One, I was more than a little apathetic towards. The other, I prayed for with all my broken heart.



The truth of it was that the hour-long interview was only average, and I would be kidding myself if I said I left a memorable impression.
Maybe if they found it interesting that I couldn't come up with a definition for 'creativity', or if they were amazed by how long-winded and unorganized my interview question responses could be.

I've been praying for an internship. No, I can't say I've been asking for it for all the right reasons, but it's hard watching everyone around you be showered by internship offers and 'fruitful' plans for the summer. So I've applied to a lot of places, heard back from....a few...and still have a lot more to apply to.
But what am I going to do?

The question that the Holy Spirit has placed in my heart, and has repeated it in my head over, and over, and over, is Do you trust God?
Do I trust that He has a plan greater than my own?
Do I trust that even if my plans for success and security don't align with God's, that I'll still be okay?
Do I trust that I'll be okay?

And the only reason you ask a question over, and over, and over, is if you can't get a definitive answer.
I can't give a definitive answer.

I pray for trust.
I pray for God.
I pray because even though I know that the things of this world are passing away, that none of it will matter in the end, they still hold so much weight, and so much crushing power in my heart.
And I can barely hold it.

I'm supposed to hear back from them soon.
I would be lying that if I said I didn't think God was preparing me for let down, as much as I want to avoid the thought, and the possibility that my summer is still uncertain.

But I write this now to remind myself that though I cling so dearly to that internship, if I don't get it, I need to trust God.
"But-if-not faith"
Do you trust God?
I pray I do.
Brace for impact.
 
the end.
03.30.2015