365 x 3

Today marks three years. I can generally mention it without tearing, but thankfully also because no one asks why, or how.  

Three years of life without my dad, can you believe it? I hardly can.

I think sometimes about how I tell people about how 'my dad' passed, but I used to always call him, 'daddy'. I guess you can't really use it as a term of endearment when they're no longer there.

To be honest, my dad was more known and visible to the outside world than he was to us. But maybe that's what happens when your dad dies in your mid-twenties. Up until then, we had only ever really known him as a parent, and not as a person. Sure, we had come to understand parts of his personality and his preferences. But we lacked the compassion and understanding for his faults and the ways he was, inevitably, human. The things you sadly, only learn to appreciate more and more as you grow older. So I grieve the fact that I'll never really get to know my dad in that way.

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Recently, a coworker's friend passed away. I thought about what message to send, and what resonated with me when my dad passed. I thought also if I should say nothing, but still I thought - I appreciated every message that was sent, even from those I didn't quite know as well. Anything that implied that they thought of me, or that someone cared enough to send a message. So I said, "So sorry for your loss, please take care <3."

I thought also about how nice it was that my coworkers back at ABS had to go through that time with me - giving me time off, sending flowers, being there when I decided to go back to work so quickly. I wasn't thankful then, but I'm very thankful now for how kind they were. 

10.28.2024