Miscellaneous Notes to Self.

03/08

I was triggered on Sunday by a stranger's comments. "I am so grateful that my family is okay." Worshipping in general has been a rather difficult task for me - it's easy for me to sing about what Jesus has done but rather difficult to get out words like "you have been so good to me." I'm not there yet - I'm still not grateful, still wondering about how God is 'good' amidst all that happened. Sometimes I find myself still so angry and sad and disappointed and wondering when this feeling is supposed to go away.

03/16

Getting my first acceptance has been - confusing? While I am excited I got accepted, I feel sad and somewhat guilty and reluctant to leave and be away from family. Also confused as to how to praise God when, while I know it is all His doing, I don't quite feel 'praise'. Can I praise God for this when I don't feel like praising Him for anything else? There's a lot I would have traded to still have Daddy around. Getting an MBA means moving on, moving forward. Am I ready to do that?

03/22

I don't want to hear about how people feel about what happened. Is that selfish? But it was weirdly uncomfortable to hear my friend tell me that she is valuing her parents and reevaluating life after what happened to my dad. Uncomfortable because I didn't get to do that? Because I'm not able to do that anymore? Not quite sure what to think but I don't want to hear it again from anyone else…

04/04

Celebrating Daddy's birthday felt good, almost joyful. It feels like through each milestone I'm coming closer to terms with the fact that he's gone. We were able to celebrate his life together - something that I didn't think I would be able to do. Can't think too far in the future, but in the here and now I'm getting better.

But still there's the coming to terms with God, with why, with learning how to move forward in my relationship with Christ given all that's happened. Still not there.