I didn't get the offer.

Yep. On Friday, Sept. 9th at 19:56, I received my e-mail.

Unfortunately, you were not selected for an SMLDP offer. 

I can't even begin to tell you how crushing that was to me.
I won't lie and say I didn't spend an extraordinary amount of time crying, and then a good amount of time drinking so that I would forget what a shitty position I'm in.

Option A. With no guarantee of full-time work after graduation and an inevitably painful recruiting process of job searching, interviewing, thank-you-e-mailing, career-fairing, networking, and rejection.

I thought I would get an offer. I didn't know if I would - there's really no telling based on HR. But I thought I'd get an offer. After working on average 45 hours a week, outstanding deliverables, good relationships with the team, and demonstrated interest in the program, I thought I deserved an offer. I thought my work was enough to warrant me an offer.
Apparently it wasn't.

I'm bad at interviews, but I thought my work ethic and dedication validated me. "If only the company could see what a diligent and dedicated worker I was, they'd hire me". But no - they saw how hard I worked and how much I tried and they still didn't want me. You can imagine how much that brings back old feelings of worthlessness and failure.

And if it wasn't crushing enough that all my work and effort did not amount to an offer to return - it was even more dejecting because it was the only internship offer I received. No other company wanted me - and at this point, still no company does.

I'm tired.
So tired.
And feeling quite broken.

And I'm scared. If feeling worthless isn't enough, there's the terrifying feeling of insecurity and uncertainty for the future. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do?

The message this morning was about the fear of God, of Jesus. What am I scared of? Definitely not of the right things.
I'm just scared of this world - all the things Christ has said he's conquered.
And so, Jesus asks -

“Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”
Mark 4:40

God I trust in you. I trust that you know where I should be. That you have plans for me in your kingdom. Plans that are better than my own. And God I pray you'll help me trust you. And that you'd give me strength to continue on.
Because right now it's pretty hard.

09.11.16
senior day #25