26 days till

round three of college.

I'm going to be an upperclassman. Good God, where did all the time go?!

I have difficulty making connections with people. That’s why I always liked guy friends. Shallow, easy, relaxed, unemotional and unattached. Girls require secrets, shared feelings. Bonds over nail polishing and coffee dates.

So in Indiana I have a bunch of 'friends' who I've barely connected with. Keeping bubble space with 'Stephanie' and late night studies at the library rather than at a friend's dorm. And here... I have a bunch of old ties I’m still holding on to.

I’ve always said I wanted to come back to Texas when I graduate. Come home. Come home to familiar Asian faces and groceries and Christian bubbles and warm communities with potlucks and jokes about grades. But in all honesty, I barely know the people here. Not any better than the people in Indiana. They’ve spent 4 years in Asian American Christian communities, living and studying in Jester, and social dancing on Saturdays. I’ve been freezing in the Midwest discovering myself and my identity in God (#ptl) but also being a complete loner, workaholic, and library hermit.

But I can’t start over. I started over in Indiana. Thought there was nothing left for me here. Made one good friend over the course of two years. If I move anywhere else I’m doomed. I don’t know how to make friends. I’ll spend the rest of my life with a bunch of people I barely know and that barely know me. 

I want to be able to develop strong relationships with people. That's an important part of Christian relationships, Christian community. Building one another up in the body of Christ. And also, being vulnerable, showing how Jesus has perfected me in my brokenness.

So I'm not sure what exactly to pray for, but I know that there's a serious need for Christ on my campus. And I want God to use me as his vessel. So...praying for God's guidance I guess. And opportunities. Opportunities to share Christ, but also to share myself, and be vulnerable.

07.24.2015